


The Weight

by Adarian



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-28 22:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3872569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adarian/pseuds/Adarian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Gauntlet, Amell breaks down and confesses to Morrigan the truth about the events leading her to find Jowan at Redcliffe. Written for a kink-meme prompt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Weight

Amell froze, seeing Jowan's face before her. A braver woman might have spoken to the apparition, but she dashed her hand through the smoke, the pendant dropping to the ground. She picked it up slowly, feeling as if his very blood seeped from it. Unable to part with it, she placed it in her robes.

She dropped it last when they walked through the flames together, just on the edge of the fire. She half hoped it would melt away. Yet it remained, lying on the ground as they collected the ashes and prepared to go. At the last moment, she picked it up again, putting it around her neck.

She knew Morrigan's eyes were upon her but she ignored her, pushing past her to make their exit through the snow. She kept walking despite Morrigan calling for her to come back. Amell closed her eyes, feeling tears start to roll down her face. She started running.

***

Amell sat on the docks of Redcliffe, looking out onto the lake. She dipped her feet into the nearly frozen water as she took the pendant out of her pocket. Feeling warmer, she took off her outer coat, lying it beside her. She thumbed the amulet slowly, the image of Jowan's face present, the sound of his voice...

"Love?"

Amell startled slightly, seeing Morrigan kneeling down beside her.

"You should put your boots back on," she said quietly. "It's far too cold for you to be out here."

"I can't go back in there," Amell murmured. "I can't..."

Morrigan placed her hand on her shoulder and Amell pushed her away. Morrigan scowled.

"What is wrong, Warden?" Morrigan spat. "You have been acting like a snippy child the last few days. You've ignored everyone since we've gotten off the Gods-Forsaken mountain. After all you have said to me, all you have claimed to...feel, don't you dare toss me aside now."

Amell laughed darkly, "It wouldn't be the worst thing for you, trust me."

Morrigan's eyes narrowed. "If you wish me to leave-"

Amell sighed, "No...but you probably should...I just don't have the strength..."

Morrigan clasped her hands in hers. "You're freezing. Come inside. We can argue inside their castle. Plenty of warm fireplaces to have a squabble in front of."

"I can't go back in there," Amell whispered hoarsely. "I...I can't..."

Amell shivered as Morrigan helped her to her feet. To her surprise, Morrigan picked her up with a huff, carrying her into one of abandoned homes. Amell was laid down in front of the hearth and Morrigan started a fire, tossing a broken chair into the pit. Amell shivered as Morrigan ran around the home, talking to herself until she found a few blankets. 

Amell tried to fight Morrigan off, but the witch was stronger than her. She bundled the blankets around her, brushing her hair from her face.

"This is oddly domestic for you," Amell murmured through chattering teeth.

"I can be if the occasion calls for it," Morrigan admitted, rubbing her arms.

After a hesitant pause, Morrigan asked, "What did that Spirit make you see?"

Amell shuddered, closing her eyes. She pulled out the pendant and laid it in Morrigan's hands, closing her fingers over it.

Amell murmured, "Do you remember when we first came here? Maybe six, seven months ago? There was a mage in the dungeons, he was refusing to help us."

"The one who poisoned the Arl," Morrigan said. "I remember. I thought he was rather weak looking for a blood mage...what of him?"

Amell looked up at her. "He...he was my friend. Sort of. We grew up together. When we were young we were really close, but we drifted apart. In the months before my Harrowing, I saw less and less of him. Jowan finally came to ask me for help. He had fallen in love with a Chantry sister and wanted me to help them escape together. He had found love and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her."

"And you being the romantic you are agreed?" Morrigan teased.

Amell admitted hoarsely, "I betrayed him."

Morrigan's face fell as she continued, "Something about it felt wrong. I was angry, I felt like he was taking advantage of me. I had just barely completed my Harrowing, I thought I was actually safe...I didn't want to throw away everything because he was too stupid to keep it in his pants. I didn't think...I just thought if I told Irving, he could protect Jowan before he did something too stupid. But I was wrong. He had no intention of protecting me or Jowan. When the time came, he threw me to the Templars just as easily if I had said nothing. He tried to use blood magic, managed to escape, but Lily and I were left behind to face the consequences. "

"And then...then you saw him again."

"Yes," Amell murmured. "I was so pissed off at him. He was the reason I was there...it was just after Ostagar, I was still trying to understand...he was a blood mage, Morrigan. He had sworn to me, promised me, and he betrayed me, just as much as I had betrayed him. When he refused to help...I knew what he had done. Jowan was just trying to save his own neck again, not caring about the consequences. I couldn't let him go and screw things up more...I only meant to knock him out, but he fought back..."

Morrigan was silent as Amell said quietly, "I'm no different. I'm...I'm a hypocrite. I blamed him for being infatuated, for doing stupid, stupid things to be with the one he loved. But I know...I know if it had been you..."

Morrigan looked up in surprise. Amell continued, "I would do anything to keep you safe. I would lie, cheat, steal...kill. He was just a scared kid....just like I am. He trusted me with his life and I tossed it away. Who was I to decide that?"

Amell shuddered as Morrigan touched her arm. 

"You are not the same," Morrigan murmured. 

"How do you know?" Amell whispered. "How do you know that I won't sell you or anyone else out? I killed a man, my friend, I betrayed him twice. The Spirit was wise to wear his face. It reminded me how truly cowardly I am."

Morrigan said, "You gave him chances when he gave you none. Both times you wished to protect him and to let him redeem himself and both times he showed his selfish nature. Even now...this guilt you feel shows your tender heart. He was not worthy enough to call you friend."

"I miss him," Amell said.

Morrigan held her to her and Amell sighed, curling into her shoulder. Morrigan kissed her tenderly and Amell cupped her face in her hands. Morrigan handed her back the amulet.

"Bury it with his ashes," she said quietly, "and move on. You have enough weight on your back without having to carry him too."


End file.
